Until I met my husband, Marc, I always felt like I was searching for something, and I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was. Was it a sense of belonging or just wanting to feel truly loved? I know that I’m meant to be with my husband, and I’ve known it since almost the first time we talked on the phone. Things just work for us, and we both feel very blessed to have found one another. We have similar interests and lifestyles, and we seem to mostly want the same things out of life. I also know that relationships are not one size fits all. Just because Marc and I work, doesn’t mean that WE worked with other people. You and your loved one may have a completely different relationship dynamic that works for you, and that’s awesome! But what if you are still searching? What if you don’t feel complete? Here are some tips for both couples that don’t feel like they are living in marital bliss and for those of you who haven’t met your match, yet!
First, you need to have the tough conversations about the big things. No, it won’t be easy. But if you truly love your partner, you won’t let the unknown cause relationship stress. You and your spouse need to be on the same page or at least have a plan to get on the same page about the big things. Think of it like going on a dating site. Even if you didn’t meet your spouse online, you should still find out what would make them happy. Do they want kids? Are they a pet person? How do they feel about saving versus spending money? Do they want a bigger or smaller house? What would they like to do when they retire? Do they love to travel or do they love to stay home? These are the major relationship things that can truly tear you apart. And they won’t go away if ignored. The sooner you have these tough conversations, the sooner you ensure that you can meet in the middle. And if you really are having trouble agreeing in any of these big areas – get professional counseling. It’s not a negative thing, and after experience, I’ve found that if you can find the RIGHT counselor…someone you respect…he or she may be able to bring to light what’s really at the root of your problems. I like to tell people, “Get out in the open so you can look at it!” because hidden feelings can’t be addressed.
Once you are on the same page on the big things, my next bit of advice would be to lower your expectations on the little things (that’s not a typo). We come from a culture of “keeping up with the Joneses.” You do realize that the social media life you see your friends living is not reality, right? That mom that just posted how she baked 300 cupcakes for her kid’s school may actually be feeling lonely or depressed. You can’t tell how happy someone is from an outside perspective, so stop trying to live up to unreasonable expectations. And it’s not fair to hold your partner to an unattainable bar, either. Stop dictating what your partner SHOULD be doing or not doing, stop judging them for their faults, and just choose to let it go.
And lastly, once you realize that the little things aren’t that important, you can move on to making yourself and your partner happy. Take up hobbies that make you smile. Have some alone time built into your schedule – alone time together as a couple and alone time by yourself so you can be your own person. I find that nothing feels better than hanging out with my hubby, but when we can’t be together, it allows us time to miss each other. And that makes being together again that much sweeter.
And for those of you who don’t have someone if your life (yet), I didn’t forget about you. My advice for you is to follow my tips in the reverse order. First, make yourself happy! You can’t expect anyone else to do it for you, and it’s not fair to put that kind of pressure on anyone. So partake in hobbies you love and don’t just drop everything at the prospect of a new love interest. Being busy and unavailable can actually be what brings you closer together. Then lower your expectations on the day to day stuff because nobody is going to be perfect when compared to unreasonable expectations. And then BEFORE you get too serious…talk about the big things! Make sure your lives are heading in the same direction. It doesn’t mean there won’t be detours, it just means that you’ll have to work at staying on the same path. And if your big things don’t line up, don’t settle! The right someone is out there for you. And if you are happy with yourself but are just having trouble meeting the right someone, I honestly would recommend carefully and selectively trying online dating. Answer as many questions as you can in your profile, too, because that allows the dating algorithm to match you to someone you already have things in common with which increases your chances of finding your one true love. He or she is out there. So trust me and stay positive!