Learning to Say “No” as an Adult or Teen

When parents are sleep deprived or exhaust themselves, it’s hard to be a good role model. Think of it like being on an airplane when the air masks come down. You can’t help your child if you pass out – so put your air mask on first! What I mean is, don’t forget to take care of yourself. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “I don’t have time for myself because my kids come first!” I get it. I’ve done my fair share of playing super-mom by volunteering for things and letting my kids join too many activities at one time. And if you ARE a super-mom or dad – I’m not knocking you. More positive power to you. But if you aren’t, I’m here to tell you that it’s ok! You are not alone (and just it case it needs to be said…don’t let a super-parent bully you into feeling bad about it either).

There are hundreds of reasons not everyone can keep up with the Joneses. For me, it was for health reasons. For others, maybe all those activities don’t fit into the budget. Every family is different, every child is different, and not all parents want to sacrifice their entire lives for their kids. For me, having had cancer twice…I’m terrified I won’t make it to retirement to enjoy myself…to check off my bucket list. And you may have other (maybe more terrifying) reasons for needing some time to yourself. So my first tip to busy parents: Talk to your partner about how much is too much. It’s too easy to let your relationship with your spouse suffer when you have different expectations within your relationship and for your family. And you need to be on the same page with your spouse about how to raise your kids or everything will be that much harder.

I’m in a blended family. My spouse met us about 5 years ago, and while I realize change is hard for many people, when you blend families – it’s inevitable that compromises will need to be made. We were doing a lot when my kids were young. They were in the church choirs, Sunday School, piano lessons, and Scouts at the age of 8. The pressure was on to add more activities, too. I volunteered a lot, and soon, the activities weren’t even fun anymore. They were stressful. And not just for me, but also for my kids. When the kids are freaking out about homework and getting things done for activities…like Scout badges…and we began to argue about it or I had to nag them…it’s time to rethink how much is too much? And not just for you but for your child, too. It took an outside opinion to point out that if it’s not fun, what’s the point? So I’m here to say that it’s ok to encourage your kid to drop one activity for another. How many kids play sports after high school or college? How many are in competition marching bands? Is it worth practicing and playing or performing 4 nights a week? Maybe the answer is yes. Or maybe schoolwork is more important, or maybe your child would have more fun taking an extra art class. Life is about balance, and all I’m encouraging you to do is talk about it. First with your partner and then with your kids. Decide as a family what works for everyone in your family and compromise together to level set expectations (preferably before they come home saying they tried out or signed up for something without asking you). Your kids will hopefully someday will thank you for teaching them it’s ok to say “No,” too.

The second piece of advice I can give you is to not impose guilt on yourself or your partner. Most likely, a super-mom isn’t bragging or trying to make you feel bad – they just might have more energy than you do or might need less sleep so therefore they actually do have more hours in the day. Or, maybe their child is immature and can’t manage his or her own schedule, therefore, requiring the parent to do it for them. Whatever the reason, others might be judging you, but they probably aren’t. I would bet other people think mostly about themselves, and therefore, they think very little about you. So get out of your own head, and do not make yourself feel bad by comparing yourself with others. And if you talk with your partner, and they are being hard on themselves and feel guilty for not wanting to sit at that soccer game…don’t jump on that band wagon…give your partner a free pass to relax for a change. Everyone needs some downtime from time to time.

Read more about Learning to say “No” to Kids.